Boy, what a day I had. Talk about an emotional basketcase! In the life of the infertile, there is one thing that just shatters your soul: hearing the news of someone else being blessed with the pregnancy that you want more than anything on earth.

Today was one of those days...
A girl at work got pregnant on her first try. Some luck, huh!? Wish I had some.

So I cried much of the day. Not because I'm mad or upset....but more because I'm hurt that we've tried and tried and are no further than we were when we started. I'm hurt that I can't give my husband the baby that he so badly wants. Through the tests that we've had done on him we know that the infertility lies in me, not him. I've been where he's at and I know how bad it sucks.

When I felt all cried out, I called my doctor for advice. She told me that I may have tested too early and not to give up hope yet. I already knew this, but it felt more real to hear it from a doctor. Then she said that since I'm ovulating on 150mg of clomid that she'll extend us two more cycles. But the best thing that she said was that they can do IUI there in the office! That is just so huge! Infertility isn't covered on either of our insurances, so all procedures are out of pocket. Right now we're still at the OBGYN which is fairly cheap (in the grand scheme of things). When they've done all they can for us and we have to be referred to a reproductive specialist, it gets quite pricey.
So doing the IUI with her at her practice is going to run us an additional $600 per cycle vs. 10K+ for IVF with the specialist. Big time smiles on that one.

She said that we can do our 150mg of clomid with the IUI to increase chances. I'm all for it. Coming up with $600 in a few weeks is what's hard. But we'll see what we can do.

Oh, and for those unfamiliar, IUI is intra-uterine insemination. Basically, they use a turkey baster to put his sperm at my egg to eliminate the long journey. Hey, it's worth a try.

And if nothing else, it gave me a reason to push on and keep fighting for team baby!

Richie was so terrific today. He spent a large portion of his day calling and texting me to be sure that I was okay and making it through the whole mess. We discussed the foster program again and he is still on board with that as a back-up. So I guess that I can start getting geared up for those classes here before long.

Please say a prayer for us that Thursday brings us a positive test!

The message board that I recently joined has been such a blessing for me...the girls there are so supportive and have helped me realize that even though we got a negative today, that maybe we still have hope.
I did test before I was "supposed" to and perhaps it was too early?
Sure it's a long shot but I need to have the hope. And if it doesn't happen this cycle we do have one more cycle with the Clomid.

I just worry about after that cycle. The day that Dr. Mulch tells us that we need to see an RE in St. Louis. Neither of our insurances will cover any infertility. We really don't have 11-12K to put into IVF.

We have the foster program to fall back on but these days it just isn't easing my mind like I had planned. The classes for our license starts mid to late January and goes till March. I think that we're still going to finish the classes but I'm not sure what our future holds where foster care is concerned.

Maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mom.

I'm just so frustrated. I know that I should just expect this by now, but I went ahead and let myself think that it could possibly be our month.

I took a pregnancy test after having almost convinced myself that it was positive and it wasn't. It was just another freakin' negative in my face. I'm so tired of it. You would think that getting negative results would be easy after getting so many but it never gets better. It sucks every time.

I'm going to go and crawl into a hole now.

We are about 5 days away from the time to take our pregnancy test. Up until yesterday, I was completely convinced that it would be another negative--I had no symptoms or anything.
Today, I am beginning to let myself think that just maybe we will be successful this time around. I wouldn't call it symptoms but there are definately some things going on with me that are different than the norm for me.

For starters, I just feel off. Not sick like, but just not right. Something feels slightly off. Second, I'm so stinkin' tired. I'm not one to nap. I just have never been one to lay down and nap. Well, since Christmas day I've been so tired. I fell asleep on my sister-in-law's couch right in the middle of our Christmas celebration. I slept in the car to and from the party as well. Then last night I felt so tired that I physically couldn't get up. I felt like I had been drugged or something. Today has proven to be no better. I'm feeling so ditzy and brain-dead. For instance, I was supposed to pick up my mother-in-law's birthday cake for her party this afternoon. It was a really big deal because it's from a bakery that normally isn't open between Christmas and New Years....and this year they are. So as a surprise, I ordered her a cake. But, instead of picking it up like I had planned, I was in bed till almost noon when Richie came home from his side job. I neglected all of my housework, the dog, myself and the cake because I was too tired to get up.

Initially I blamed it on Lucy waking me up too early, but in all honesty she's not getting me up any earlier than normal. I'm such an anal person when it comes to housework and cleaning but today there is just no getting me out of the recliner. Thank goodness for this laptop.....

I don't know. I don't want to get myself all excited and worked up because really I'm tired of being let down. But for some reason, this time seems different.

Cross your fingers for us!